RainB0w-Support

It's been a while since I wrote here. I've made another attempt a week ago, and now I'm feeling so depressed. It started earlier for no reason at all. I feel terrible, my only comfort being that I feel clean on the outside. Everything's so scrambled..

I just heard someone else's voice telling me not to eat; usually it's my own voice telling myself, but this voice used "you" instead of my usual "I". I'm certain this is Ana, the persona of anorexia, since it's not me anymore. The best thing to do is not agree with her, I know, but I already feel fat and she just confirms that fact. I'm scared, I'm losing control to be in control. I've started exercising recently too, something I'd hardly ever do before. Even when I lack energy if I need to exercise I will, but it doesn't last long since I'm weak. My problem is finally a disorder and I don't even care.

Time to admit it, yes this is self-diagnosed but my therapists have been crap and nobody ever cares about this to notice. So for at least a year now, definitely more, I've had problems with eating. Ever since my metabolism slowed down I began eating less, often skipping breakfast and halving my lunch with school friends. Every time I looked in a mirror I'd get angry and hate my body size. I recall one time I went between 1-3 months eating only a cheese sandwich and an apple each weekday, eating slightly more than "normal" on weekends then back to hardly eating. When this became worse all I was eating during weekdays was two 100kcal snack bar